21st January 2019

21st January 2019
A moving conversation about parenting and two on bikes, puffing to Balaji's house.

The day started early for me today with the sound of drums coming form the nearby village, very probably indicating a funeral. As I wrote yesterday, most rituals seem to be set to the rhythm of hand drums. Pam was not feeling too good after the fairly exhausting day we'd had yesterday, which had left her with a migraine, so I decided to hop on my trusty bike and go to the office in search of Sekar, our man who sorts things out. He wasn't available today but we've made a time early tomorrow to meet and plan. I'm suddenly aware that time is running out, and in one week we will be on our way. This pattern is exactly what happens on every visit. I'd mentioned to Sekar that I needed to speak to Mathew, now retired, who was for many years a Rural Community Officer with Ruhsa. 

After I'd put together yesterday's blog from our day in Chennai, I managed to speak to Mathew on the phone. I explained that Dr Shanti, HOD / new Boss Lady, had heard me mention a long ago workshop I'd given which had an impact on him, and without waiting to ask me, she'd arranged for me to give a Workshop again on parenting. Now the original one happened in August 1991, ie before the Internet, before any kind of blogging record. I had youngish children with whom I was communicating in my absence by airmail letter! So, I said, I can't remember what I said . ' I can' said Mathew, and he proceeded to tell me in great deal what we had covered in that workshop. More than fifteen years after this Mathew had told me of the impact of that workshop on his life, but in our conversation today I understood much more about why this was so. 

He explained that in India many fathers have very harsh relationships with their children, they show little affection and they will use a stick to beat the child into discipline. This was how his own father ( who had himself been an orphan) was with him. What I had talked about that day had struck a loud chord with him - and he himself had been using a stick on his children until that point. He went on to read up on the subject, particularly regarding early childhood education, and he became convinced that the more positive approach, using encouragement and affection and explanations, was the one for him. His children are now grown up, both now married and he has a very close relationship with both, both will talk freely to him and confide in him.  He talked about how many problems flow from the way parents expect to have control over their children, here in India, and that this will go on even after the children are grown and married, so problems will arise between the mother in law as the husband will expect his new wife to obey his mother's rule. I was very surprised to hear about fathers beating their children, as when we visit our friends' homes in the village here we see the young dads being very physically affectionate to their children and often also to the young children in the close family. Interestingly Mathew said that his own wife had disagreed with him about his novel ideas on parenting, as she herself is a traditionalist, but somehow they had rubbed along, arguing about it, but clearly with Mathew never giving up on his ideas. Such an interesting conversation and very moving for me as you may well imagine. 

Later in the afternoon Brian and I decided to cycle to visit Balaji and family, our first cycle ride this trip. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy speeding down hill past the paddy fields, past workers cutting the sugar cane, avoiding the dogs and tiny puppies and goats and ambling cows, moving over smartly when a bus or auto blares its horn in warning. A bit dangerous all this on aged heavy bikes and pot-holed roads, but we hope for the best and Ganesh to protect us. At Balaji's house they are building a small covered entrance to their house and the women are helping as well. Balaji's wife is digging here in the photo.

 

The women were really interested to hear about yesterday's event, which only Santi and her daughter attended. They scrutinised the intended bride eagerly and declared her ' super' and very beautiful! Raghu is marrying into a wealthy family. His education has moved him up a league or two, though he won't be forgetting his village friends and family, I'm sure. Currently Balaji is working on a very high building, hanging from a rope, installing plumbing, earning Rs 500 per day, roughly £5. Santhi is stitching sari blouses after her work cooking in a school, earning 50p an hour. As Balaji says ' Mam, India face many problems'. It's still a very hard life for many who are poor like this family.